Mari: Hello? Is this on? (tap tap tap) Hellooo?

Of course nobody's answering. 'Cause nobody's listening, stupid.

Sorry. Trying to call myself stupid less... Ugh, this IS stupid, though!

I think the longer I go without sharing this, the bigger and scarier I'm making it seem in my head.

Which is ridiculous, because I saw what I saw.

No amount of time is going to make people think I'm any more or less sane.

Mari: Okay. Now I am being stupid. I should just say it. Just say it!

I've been seeing UFOs in the sky for months.

(tossing radio away)

Okay. Alright. Great. Cool. Um... I said it and I'm still alive...

And actually... feeling good. Woo! (laughs) Sharing!

(inhale, exhale) I've seen UFOs. Flying saucers. There, said it again.

Mari: Okay, no turning back now. I've put it out there.

It started really late one night. I was locking up my car, getting ready to go inside.

When I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye!

Dennis: Wow. So it isn't just me.

Mari: GAH! (throws away radio)

Dennis: Uh. Alien Sighting Girl? Are you still there?

Mari: Ugh, please don't call me that. Oh, this is really embarrassing.

Dennis: Hey, hey. No no no, don't be embarrassed.

I mean, I'm really excited to find someone else who... who knows what I'm talking about!

Mari: So you... believe me?

Dennis: Psh, yeah! Of course! Why would you lie on an open radio channel to no one?

Dennis: Of course, maybe you're just trying to trick the good people of the airwaves into spilling their secrets...

And thus exposing all the secret sightings and hidden hauntings for your own nefarious purposes!

Mari: What kind of purpose would that serve?

Dennis: Hey, you're the evil mastermind here. You tell me.

Mari: Well, I promise that's not what I'm doing...

And, while that's very flattering, I'm not an evil mastermind.

Dennis: Can't argue with that!

Dennis: If there's one thing I've learned about this UFO stuff, it's that there are way more of us believers than you'd expect.

Mari: Like, listening? Ah, now I'm embarrassed again!

Dennis: No, it's good! I bet people really appreciate it! It makes them feel less alone!

If you put out the call, I bet you'll get lots of people telling you that.

Mari: Okay. Okay. Let's see if you're right. (ahem)

Hi, out there. My name is Mari and if you've ever had a weird encounter that you can't explain--

Turk: You know this is a public channel, right? So if you're not driving a truck, maybe knock it off?

Mari: Oh no, I'm sorry! I'll shut up now!

Dennis: Oh, right. I should have mentioned that there are lots of "truckers" out there, too.

Turk: I, uh, still don't approve of this usage of citizens band radio, but...

If you're asking, I... I actually might've seen a weird thing or two in my time on the road.

Mari: Y-yeah? You wanna talk about it?

Turk: Y'know something? I think I would.

First, though... What do you know about the maple syrup industry?

Mari: Space is too big.

I've kept this opinion to myself for years and years, but I am done!

Space is far too big. We don't need all that!

The moon is nice, so w- we need some space. The sun's fine. But anything beyond that... no thank you.

Also the ocean should only be four feet deep.

Sorry. I've been reading about aliens and it's... really unsettling.

Knowing anything could have been out there is not the most comforting thought.

Mari: The thing that gets me is that we've been warned!

The aliens have been like, "Look at our ships, hiiii!"

And we're like, "Oh, not today, my friends. NOT TODAY."

But I don't think we can pull this off forever.

I think it's happening. I think it's happening, and I think it's going to be very very BAD.

Mari: I was talking to my therapist - who is not really a therapist. He's more of a dog with "I'm listening" eyes.

And... I think it is time to embrace the fact that we are not alone in the universe.

I don't know what that means...

But, hey! Maybe that's something we can like figure out together.

So if you're out there, maybe give me a call.

Mari: I keep going back and forth.

Cause on one hand I'm like, "Maybe the aliens will come and destroy us all just 'cause!"

But on the other hand, I keep hoping that maybe they're going to share some amazing technology with us.

And welcome us to the galactic club of cool societies!

But then I think about all the times I've seen ants...

And I've never been like, "Hey, ants! Want to learn about levers and pulleys?"

So maybe it's silly to expect that to happen for us.

But if you're out there, aliens, we are good learners.

I mean, we're not... But at any given time, there are like fifty smart people and we can find them for you!

Mari: Today's topic: Things that are Probably Aliens.

First one's easy. Octopuses.

Eight arms. Problem solving. Interior decorating skills.

Honestly, if you told me the ocean was an intergalactic rest stop for aliens, I would agree.

Turk: Kangaroos.

Mari: Nature's frat boy, the kangaroo, actually an alien? You heard it here first.

Turk: You should probably still not be using this channel.

Mari: Agree to disagree!

Turk: (sigh) Okay.

What about... the platypus?

Mari: Alright, let's not blame anyone else for the platypus. That one's on us.

Mari: Last week I asked you to write in your alien questions and...ya'll...

I did not expect this response.

So, thank you to everyone who sent in questions.

And to everyone who asked me to stop: I hear you, I respect you, I ignore you.

Question One! Farmer Steel asks, "I am looking for volunteers to protect my corn."

"Can you please help?"

Well if you are out there and you feel strongly about corn, this is your time to shuck!

Mari: Love these questions, love 'em! Please keep 'em comin'!

Bush Ranger writes...

Okay, uh, Bush Ranger actually just sent a drawing. I- I think it's a shrub hugging a stick figure?

Is that...? Oh, I think that's supposed to be me! Aww, Bushy, my heart can't take such sweetness!

Oh! There's something written here. It says, "Hihihi. Don't let them eat me."

Uh, I have some good news, Bushy. I can't promise they won't eat you...

But I am pretty sure you are poisonous, so if they do, they're gonna have a bad day.

So it's not a lot, but it is something.

Keep growing toward the light, my leafy frond.

Mari: Okay, uhh... Zorgotron writes, "As an alien who has been on the island for years now..."

"I'm curious why no one ever asks my opinion on alien matters."

Probably because we all thought that was a costume.

And also... I don't know, you're such a slow talker.

And, sure, you may possess the wisdom of the cosmos, but pick up the pace!

Mari: More questions!

Doctor Slone from the IO has this to say...

"Cease all communications with and discussion of alien matters immediately."

Uh oh. Sounds like someone knows something.

Well, tell me who you are and what the IO is and maybe we'll have a deal.

Mari: Hey, look. Uh, if you know who this "Slone" weirdo is, can you message me?

She will not back off and she is really freaking me out.

Seriously. Please.

Mari: (panting) I don't know how much time I have.

I'm not quitting!

I am not stopping the show.

And anyone who says so is lying!

THEY'RE HERE! (struggle)

Turk: Hey, uh.

Alien... Girl?

Hello?

I know I gave you a hard time, but uh...

I'd really like to know if you're okay.

Or if you need help.

Just let me know, okay?

Turk: Alien Girl? If you can hear me, I just wanted to let you know that I miss your show.

It was... kind of a nice comfort out on the road.

I even thought of a name for it! Here goes... "Hot Saucers." Heh, do you like it?

"Hot Saucers!" Heh. Pretty good, right? Hot Saucers!

(sigh) I- I don't know, I just- I hope you're back on the air again soon.

Turk: Hey, uh... if you're out there and you have any information about Mari...

You know, the host of that alien show?

(sigh) I'm on the air, just... you know, please let me know.

Mari: Hi. Everyone.

I'm back. I'm fine.

I'm gonna hit pause here for a while.

There's not a lot I can say but...

Be careful. Please.

And keep watching the stars.